Children’s Christmas Letters to Satan, and His Responses

Most children write letters to Santa when the holiday season comes around, but a few tikes wind up sending their holiday wishes to the prince of darkness himself, Lucifer, aka Satan. Most of the kids are mostly just a little reckless with their spellings, although a few may be young Satanists for all we know.

Last year Matt Passet of The New Yorker — who may or may not be Satan in human form — took it upon himself to answer the misspelled children’s letters. The results are so hilarious we felt compelled to share them with our readers.

One of our favorites:

Dear Satan,

I just want my mommy and daddy to get together.

Stephen, Age 11



You’re over ten. Stop telling people your age. It’s childish!

As for your mommy and daddy, I’m sensing some passive aggression in your letter. Maybe it’s my own shit, but it feels as if you’re blaming me for their separation. While I did, in fact, put Vicki from accounting in front of your father to tempt him, I did not have your father lie so unconvincingly to your mother about “working late.” I may be guilty of having that snake trick Eve, but there are some snakes that I don’t control.

But I feel bad. I’m going to send you something called an “Xbox.”



For more devilish fun, read the full article at the New Yorker.