Dear Abby visited the homes (via the newspaper and online) starting in 1956. Founded by Pauline Phillips, she took on the pen name Abigail Van Buren and began giving sometimes controversial, many times helpful, and oftentimes hilarious relationship advice for both men and women.
Phillips passed on the column to her daughter, Jeanne Phillips, in 2000, and it continues to be a mainstay in American life.
10 of the Most Hilarious “Dear Abby” Responses
Dear Abby: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?
Response: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible?
Response: Only if they don’t work.
Dear Abby: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son” — or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there!… Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood?
Response: You could move.
Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Response: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I’m Gay.
Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions?
Response.: Yes. Run for a public office.
Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature?
Response: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.
Dear Abby: My wife sleeps in the raw. Then she showers, brushes her teeth and fixes our breakfast — still in the buff. We’re newlyweds and there are just the two of us, so I suppose there’s really nothing wrong with it. What do you think?
Response: It’s O.K. with me. But tell her to put on an apron when she’s frying bacon.
Dear Abby: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
Response: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
Dear Abby: My husband lost his wallet. It was mailed back and i found it stuffed with snapshots of other women. I confronted him with this evidence and he said, as a true Southern gentleman, he refused to muddy the names of the ladies in the pictures. What can I do with this Alabama Skunk?
Response: Cut off his hominy grits.
Dear Abby: I have been married for exactly one month: The other night I discovered that my wife uses mayonnaise on her hair before she goes to bed. She has the preposterous idea that it makes her hair grow faster. She claims that lots of women use it. Abby, please help me as I don’t care to smell mayonnaise at night.
Response: There are hair conditioners on the market that are more effective and smell better. Tell your wife that when you go to bed with a tomato, you prefer to do it without the mayonnaise.