Martha Stewart Kills Justin Bieber with the Filthiest, Most Hilarious Speech Ever

Who knew domestic queen, Martha Stewart, could be the most filthy, hilarious, deliciously evil presenter at the Justin Bieber roast on Comedy Central? This woman was given just under 6 minutes for her segment, and in that time she ruled EVERYTHING.

Above is a rundown from Entertainment Tonight on the top three presenters, but our vote for the very best is Martha. If you want to just watch her, pause the video above and check it out below.

From talking about her prison days to bagging on fellow presenters like Shaquille O’Neal, Ludacris and host Kevin Hart — all the while being mindful of mentioning her brand and staying as sweet as sugar — she dished it out like no one else. Sure, the writers helped her do it, but the fact that she was game, and that her delivery was so perfect, really made the evening. Rachel Ray could NOT have done half the job.

For example, here’s what she said to Justin at the start (if you’re not interested in watching the videos above, of course):

Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.

Check out the “Martha Stewart Justin Bieber Roast” video and see why Martha is the real winner to the Bieb’s big night. Also, find out about the Paul Walker jokes that were cut from the broadcast.