Awkward first dates suck, you’ve probably even had a few that have mentally scarred you. But not to worry folks, you’re not the only ones cursed with disastrous dates, Crap Dates (@FirstDateHell) on Twitter love nothing more than bringing order to the world by reporting on shambolic first dates.
@FirstDateHell guy picked me up, drove thru McDonalds & bought a ton of food, drove me to a cemetery & asked me to step on the food.
— BJ (@goblindick) March 29, 2014
Their feed is full of tweets sent to them about shambolic first dates. Some are hilarious:
@FirstDateHell he insisted we had to wash his cat. We did.
— ellen (@Ellen_BESS) August 6, 2014
@FirstDateHell he took me to see a film with his ex in it, cried all the way through and kept asking me if I didn’t agree she was beautiful.
— Sura Dohnke (@Suradohnke) May 6, 2012
— Sarah_Woolley (@Sarah_Woolley) January 24, 2012
@FirstDateHell “How are you?”, “A little tired”. “Hard day at work?” No, I had a baby three weeks ago.”
— Jay Sivad/John Davis (@JaySivad) October 4, 2011
Others are truly terrible:
@FirstDateHell Said that pressuring a woman into sex was fine and they only say no so as not to look easy. “It’s the Slut Defence”.
— Zoey (@crashtestpanda) August 25, 2011
Many beg for a more complete story:
@FirstDateHell I was put into a headlock by a policeman for insulting Brett Favre.
Wait, was the date with a policeman? If so, are headlocks the new foreplay?
@FirstDateHell within the first ten minutes he explained, he was born with a tail, had it operated on, but don’t worry he wasn’t incontinent
Others make sure that you know the whole story right away:
@FirstDateHell Last year, girl turns up and announces ‘you have one hour to impress me’. I didn’t.
— Phil (@Unofficial_Phil) January 25, 2013
Poor guy. Poor, poor, unimpressive guy.
You can also check out their book Crap Dates, Disastrous Encounters from Single Life by Rhodri Marsden.
If you think you can contribute, there are two things you should know first: One, we’re sorry about the crap date you experienced, no one should have to go through that, and, two, the account sadly hasn’t been updated since 2014.
@FirstDateHell he said: ‘from your photo I thought you were too good for me, I’m glad to see that you’ve got flaws’. Then he listed them.
— Lucy Lappin (@Knitlucy) July 3, 2012
It is, however, good for a read-through if you’re looking for something to cheer you up in that way that only other people’s hilarious misfortune can.
So take a look at @FirstDateHell, it’ll make you feel so much better about your nonexistent love life.