Dating: Women, You’re Doing It All Wrong!

There are a lot of dating tips for women out there, which leads many singles to ask themselves this: What is it that you are doing wrong?

Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., who is regularly featured on CNN and CBS and is the author of The 30-Day Love Detox, as well as a resident expert to DatingAdvice.com.

Over the last 10 to 20 years, there has been an unprecedented amount of American women who are making more money than their male peers. Women are even attending graduate school in higher numbers than men. According to Dr. Walsh’s study, for every two men in graduate school, there are three women ahead of them.

Because of this growing trend in a woman’s economic power within most of our urban centers, they have been putting sex out in the culture in high supply. Yes, that means they (or even you) have not been keeping those legs closed.

Dr. Walsh shared her thoughts on why she believes women have been sold a false bill of goods regarding relationships and offers some sound advice on how to build a relationship that will work out in your favor. Trust us: it’s not all bad news. It’s about getting the right kind of guy to commit, saying yes to the right kind of guy and knowing how to spot him.

FTK: Why do the courting rituals of the past no longer work in our society?
DR. WALSH: In the past, men had to take women out to many romantic dinners, have a house and a great car to get laid. Today, a guy can sit in his mom’s basement playing with his Xbox and who knows what else, and ask women to send in naked pictures of themselves. Guess what? They comply because they think sexual power is power. But it is pretend power. Women between the ages of 22 to 32 are no longer making a man sign on a dotted line agreeing to support her offspring. We are truly living in a high supply sexual economy. And women are losing ambition to find the right kind of man.

How fast should things move? What should women expect from men?
Obviously, we have thrown traditional courtship rituals out the window. Only a small portion of the population participate in long leisurely romantic dinners while in their 20’s. The rest are meeting up in clubs, bars and parties – thinking their hookup is a stepping stone to a relationship but it isn’t. The longer you delay the onset of the sexual relationship the more you give a man the opportunity to court you. Statistically, if you have sex with someone within 30 days of meeting, you have a 90 percent chance of being broken up within a year. The skills it takes to have a short term relationship differ greatly from those of a long term relationship. For a short term relationship you need to be fit, fun and flexible. For a long term relationship you need empathy, compassion, conflict resolution skills and communication. And you can’t build those skills while you’re busy knocking boots.

Tell us more about how women can take their time with a man:
All lasting relationships take quite a long time to build. The woman who will stand out in a man’s mind today is the one who is not easy, because all of the rest are! It’s true. If you slow things up… you’ll give him an opportunity to create new courtship rituals. It could be something as simple as posting something pleasant on your Facebook timeline or taking the time to call instead of always texting you. I mean, c’mon, when was the last time a guy actually picked you up and took you out instead of the two of you just meeting up somewhere?

Have we lost our relationship skills?
There’s an entire chapter in my book, The 30-Day Love Detox, on what a healthy relationship is.  I do believe we have lost all of our relationship skills. Many people of this generation appear to have divorced parents and the only conflict resolution they know of is to quit when things get difficult.

We don’t even have the intimacy tolerance that we used to. Maybe because parents were too busy with their own activities instead of focusing on doing internal bonding while you were growing up. What is emotional intimacy? Emotional intimacy is having some empathy and compassion for you partner. This means that you don’t leave and you don’t cheat because if you did, you’d feel really bad for your partner.

What do you mean when you say, “Women have been sold a false bill of goods’?
So many young women have been sold one about female sexual equality. Some women have been able to learn to have sex like a man but there’s another group of women who are crying and hurting because they are being rejected for giving sex too early.

There are women out there who wouldn’t give their keys to their apartment to a man so he could water their plants while they are out of town and yet, they will expose him to their bloodstream and their eggs. What is the logic in that? This is a big wake up call. Inside each and every one of us, there is a hunter gatherer cave woman. All of the commitment-oriented men out there just need you to give them the time to show themselves.

If you find a man who is not willing to participate in a friendship to grow a real relationship, I urge you to value yourself enough to walk away from low criteria relationships. So many women are in relationships with no definition. You need to understand the passion turning point and that it’s okay to ask for a definition of the relationship before you even have sex! So many women are seeing these men and having sex with them but are too afraid to ask them if they are a couple or not!

These are the guys you just want to walk away from.

Can you explain the passion turning point?
A passion turning point is when a couple expresses words of love or commitment to one another before having sex for the first time.

If words of love are not expressed before having sex, the act is seen as negative and provokes regret and apology. On the other hand, sex becomes a step forward for those that connect sex and love. Nobody knows whether they love each other within a certain time frame but without true feelings or understanding, the relationship won’t be anything worth having later on down the road.

How can women know if they’ve found their match?
If you happen to find a guy that makes almost as much money as you, is a care giving soul and a power man (a man who can power a stroller!) then you need to close that deal. The crisis that women in their 30’s right now are facing is staggering and it is beginning to fill up therapists’ offices with tears. Women are finding that their fertility windows have closed. Did you know that the height of a woman’s fertility is at the age of 20? After 28 it takes a huge dip. And after 35 it goes way, way down. So, let me put it this way, women having babies in their 40’s is not normal. That only equals cold eggs and autism.

How much more important do you feel having children is over a career?
I am a single mother. I am the walking wounded and the voice of the wise. Listen, I know your career is really important to you, but when you’re sitting there at your child’s Christmas pageant your stomach is going to do flip-flops and it is way more exciting than any boss ever giving you a raise.

Is it true that 80% of women will become mothers and their boyfriend or husband will not be good fathers?
It really depends on what kind of deal they close to pay for children on their own (nannies, pre-schools, etc.) The partner pool for women has definitely been shrinking over the years and worthy men are less likely to commit. 1 in 5 women are denied the freedom to choose because  their fertility window closes before they can get a guy to commit. And they believe the myths of fertility clinics when they say that they can have a baby into their 50’s – which is all marketing nonsense. Jump on that window, ladies!

A lot of women don’t know how to say no to sex. Is there a proper way?
Every woman needs to know how to pull herself off the high supply sexual economy and take care of her own emotional needs instead of always craving sexual attention. Of course, you will experience withdrawals. The prescription for “slow love” is not based on political conservatism or religion, it is based on sound social science.

Don’t use “no” as foreplay. Many men are used to the idea that some women like playing good girl, bad girl. Before giving it up, they come up with excuses and use “no” to increase sexual arousal. If you really don’t want to have sex in that moment, you have to back it up with proper body language. Move from the location. Plenty of girls say no while they continue to cuddle on the couch and turn a guy on. Women, you do this all the time.

You wonder why all these date rape trials end up in court. If you say “no” do something about it!  Help him control himself.  Say it firmly without malice or anger and with a smile on your face. It’s your body. If you show that you respect yourself, he’s going to become more interested in you. But beware: even though you create an obstacle, in the short term, he is still only going to be interested in sex – not eroticism.

What kind of advice can you give readers who are looking for love on Valentine’s day?
If you’re single, remember that Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday. Valentine’s Day is a day that you can practice self-love and take care of yourself. Whether that means eating right, going to the gym or getting a luxurious massage. Understand that you are lovable and your deserve love. And the first person who is responsible for giving you love is yourself.

For those of you already in a relationship, you understand that often times you have to force romance when you’re busy with kids or conflicting schedules. You have to give yourself reminders to appreciate the person you love.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for your loved one is to write them a love letter. After you’ve been married 20 yrs it may not sound so exciting but it will help remind you about what you love about this person and how grateful you are.

Whether you’re single, in a relationship or simply committed to your children – the day doesn’t have to be all about romantic love. It’s how we love each other.

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